The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away...

The Lord Giveth...

• Spring and a few warm weather nearly 70 degree days (we even got to take the top off the Jeep!!)
• An all natural mail order pet supply company that carries wonderfully sturdy chew toys for the puppy...  (Maybe one day he'll leave our shoes be)
• A couple date nights/days/breakfasts for just Abby and I to be - well, Abby and I (Skep and Skein, Wallys, The Bearded Ladies and breakfast out... just a few reasons to love Olympia)
• A couple wonderfully planned weeks of homeschool that went off without a hitch - yay for the power of pre-planning, Netflix and the public library
• Vacation and spring break (a staycation for us, a Midwest tour for Beckett)
• Family time and down time
• An amazing opportunity to move our family (New Mexico, here comes the Coles)
• A birthday - complete with a pretty awesome outdoor BBQ party
• Wildlife in the backyard (the dogs were not amused with the duck couple who took up residence)

The Lord Taketh Away

• Countless socks (thanks Porter)
• A few single shoes (thanks again, Porter)
• Another year (here's to 38)
• Wonderful neighbors who became great friends (lucky for Stanwood, sad for Olympia)
• A week without Beckett
• Pneumonia (for Beckett, on vacation.  Poor kid - and poor grandma and Papa)
• Gluten (you know what beer's made out of??  Yeah, GLUTEN!!!)
• Facebook (well, not really God, but me - I took away my Facebook)

So there's our month...  Looking back, its been sorta crazy.  One to remember for sure.  It started pretty fantastic.  We were in a groove with school, we had a routine, we were making progress.  Then spring break happened, then an unexpected trip happened, then Beckett came home sick (and became homesick), and Abby took a week off and I feel like we're starting all over again.

And to top it all off we're moving to New Mexico?!?!?!  Its a once in a lifetime opportunity, and one I don't intend on passing by.  Its terrifying and overwhelming and exciting and brilliant all at the same time.  Our income will be about a third of what we have now - and times are thin already!  We have to find a place that will allow 5 people, 3 dogs and 2 cats to move in.  We have to figure out a way to get said people, dogs and cats to town - including 10 years and a 3 bedroom house full of stuff... 

During our week off, I got sick.  Sick enough that I didn't eat for a couple days.  While looking into what was making me feel bad, I decided to cut out the usual suspects - meat, dairy, processed wheat foods...  Then I got some test results back...  Putting together the test results with the omitted foods with some random symptoms i'd been having, we decided to keep wheat (gluten) out and add everything else back in.  It was fine - I was fine.  Then I tried wheat again.  I wasn't fine.  So I took it back out, and again I was fine.  So I kept it out, and here I am a couple weeks later, still fine.  So there went gluten - and with it bread, pasta, cakes, sweets, BEER....  What have I done???  But ya know what??  I don't have a stomach ache - and I've evidently had a stomach ache for years -  long enough that I don't remember the last time I felt good. 

So God gave me sunshine and 75 but took away wheat.  He gave Beckett a trip back to Iowa, but gave him pneumonia.  He gave Abby the opportunity she's been waiting for, but is asking her to teach a subject she's completely uncomfortable with.  He took routine and replaced it with fumbling.  Comfort and knowledge for unknown and unexpected.  Green for brown.  Trees for cacti.  Mountains for red rocks. 

They say April showers bring May flowers...  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...  Tit for tat...  What goes up, must come down...  For every action there is an equal and opposite - well you know the rest.  So I guess, after all this rambling, I'm here to say - bring on the flowers May...  We're ready!

Wednesdays...

Wednesdays are our elective day at school. Martial Arts, visual arts, Legos and comic book drawing... Too bad for Beckett 3 out of four of his classes are taught by the same teacher - who happens to be out sick today. So how do we handle an unexpected rainy morning off? With ducks in our back yard... Keep in mind we have 3 dogs. All of whom we're pretty furious about having wildlife in their space. Fun times! Wish I could figure out how to post the video....

Lists

Last week was a rough week.  For parents, kids, home school, unschooled and traditional schooled alike...  It was a rough week.  I feel as though we got nothing accomplished.

Spring has finally hit the Pacific Northwest and the afternoons have been beautiful, even if a bit chilly.  Its hard to stick to routines and homework when its finally blue sky and sunny outside after 6 months of gray and rain.  Kids were crazy, parents had more than usual to get done (it seemed) and all anybody wanted to do was play outside.  So we did.  Which left our to-do list a bit on the uncrossed off side....  But the good news - its still there, uncrossed off this week...

We've been homeschooling for exactly a year now. And I'm frustrated.  I've looked at blogs online and evidently homeschooling your first year is alot like teaching your first year.  Its difficult.  You have to get used to the kids, the structure (or lack of it) the curriculum, the learning styles (both his and mine)...

So I gave myself a little grace last week.  We went to an enrollment meeting for the Montessori kindergarten program for our younger child last week.  I think its a great fit for her - and I actually think its a great fit for my homeschooler, but i'm not quite ready to give up yet.  He's making some pretty great progress in lots of areas, and honestly my biggest reason to put him in Montessori is so i'd have some time away...  Sorta selfish - understandable, but selfish.

So last week, during our sunshining, grace giving, break taking week I decided to restructure our entire homeschool (believing that we even had a structure to begin with)...  I put a list on the chalkboard in his room.  A list of his work to accomplish between Monday and Thursday at dinner time... Fridays are a day for hands on science or art to complement our studies of the week, assuming he completes his assignments. Otherwise Fridays are work days - BOO.    Most of his assignments for this week are review. I want to see how he does.  I want him to learn accountability and responsibility.  I want him to take charge of his learning. So I made a list.  Spelling, writing, geography, math.  A few worksheets, some computer time, some free writing,  a new book to read...

Along with a school list, he has a responsibility list.  Daily tasks that need to be completed for him to earn any sort of screen time.  Our lives have been taken over by all things Minecraft, and while I can agree that some parts of the game are useful, it has completely consumed all the extra room in my 8 year olds brain.  So we've set new limits.  We've gone over new expectations.  We've reviewed consequences, some of which he's already experienced.

So looking back, maybe last week wasn't such a failure. Maybe it wasn't so awful.  Some time off gave us an opportunity to re-evaluate, re-structure and re-new.  Now we have new priorities and a new outlook.   And along with some sunshine and blue skies, isn't that all we really need??

Sun Days

Some days when you homeschool in the Pacific Northwest, by the time March rolls around you take sun days instead of snow days. Here are some shots of our gorgeous afternoon. 

Offline...

I'm off Facebook.  Initially for Lent.  Possibly for good.  I'm in love with Pinterest.  And I could report my daily activities to anybody via my Instagram photos.  But I'm off Facebook.  I was overwhelmed with information.  With thoughts and ideas and beliefs that weren't really even mine.  I don't need to have my already busy life busied with other people.  Period.  Kinda funny really.  Pinterest is full of folks I don't know who are doing amazing things that I would never think of and are clearly more organized, more crafty and more talented than I am.  And I love them.  Facebook is full of my 'friends' some of whom i've known for 20+ years and they post updates about their lives and activities and it drives me crazy.  Maybe because I know thats not how life really is.  Nobody is that perfect.  I know they are not that perfect. 

I hope to update this blog a bit more regularly.  A sentence or comment here and there...  Something.  Something to keep us folks that don't seem to fit into any one box moving forward.  I don't subscribe to any one group.  I don't call myself an unschooler, but I struggle somedays to call myself a homeschooler.  I'm a wife, which sounds pretty ordinary, until you learn that I also HAVE a wife.  But she wears dresses and makeup and carried our babies.  I'm in jeans and a hoodie with a beer watching the game.  So nope, not that box either. She is the breadwinner.  She pays the bills.   I'm in charge of the house.  The kids.  The shopping.  The doctor visits.  I'm the mom...  But nope, I don't really fit into that box either. 

So here is my blog.  Honest.  Boring.  Funny.  Sad.  Who knows?  Probably alot like life.  Everyday is a little bit the of routine and a little bit of different.  I'm raising 2 kids, 3 dogs, 2 cats and a wife.  Life isn't easy, but its worth it. And I promise to write about it. 

All Aboard.......

I've learned a lot of lessons this year.  Hard lessons that I really wasn't ready to learn.  And I didn't want to.  But I suppose that's what life is about. Learning and accepting the hard stuff.  I can tell you with a thousand percent certainly that I like the easy stuff better.  I'm still working on some of the lessons.  Processing, deciding, rationalizing, denying.  I guess learning really is a lifelong project.  Although its hard for me to think about lifelong anything right now.  I'll just say that still, every single day, I'm learning something new about myself, my kids, my wife, my life....

I've learned about how honesty means something different to every person, even people you think should share the same definition as you.  I learned that honesty within yourself and being honest with yourself is more important than being honest with anyone else. 

I've learned that intentions really don't matter.  Results and consequences do.  It makes no difference what your intent is, if you hurt someone, break something, end something or start something, that's what matters.  And it matters to a lot of people. 

I've learned that morals and ethics define who you are.  I think if you are a truly honest person and are kind and thoughtful, you are going to live your life in a moral and ethical manner.  And people will see you as such.  When you are dishonest in your words or your actions or with the truth inside yourself, your ethics and your morals and really your whole belief system comes into question.  And you will be treated accordingly. 

I've learned that respect matters.  In everything.  Respect in yourself, your family, your spouse, your kids, your neighbors, your coworkers.  You will receive the amount of respect that you put forth.  If you think you deserve more respect from people, chances are you should show more respect to people. 

I've learned that it doesn't matter who you try and please, if its not yourself then you can never really be happy.  There will always be somebody who disagrees with your decision, but if you are true to yourself and it feels good to your heart, its right. 

I've learned that sometimes, just because a decision is the right one one day, it might not be on the next.  And figuring out how to live with decisions you've made that maybe today you'd decide differently is probably one of the hardest lessons of all this year.  I can't honestly say that I'm exactly in the place I want to be and that my relationships are all exactly how I'd like them to be.  I've hurt people I shouldn't have, loved people I shouldn't have and most of all veered from who I believed myself to be.  And I'm learning to live with the consequences of those actions.  We all are. 

So as I reflect on the past year, and look ahead to the new one, I'm filled with emotions of all sorts.  Good, bad.  Happy, sad.  Excitement and nervousness.  I suppose this post-holiday rambling could have been a little more uplifting, but that really doesn't feel true to me right now.  Don't get me wrong, I had a beautiful Christmas with my family, celebrating our health and good fortune and giving gifts from our hearts to our friends and family.  And I have no doubt that 2014 will get on track, its just getting to the right station that's going to be the hard part...

Shoulding....

I feel very inadequate, pretty much most of the time.  I blame part of it on my upbringing, part of it on my relationships, part of it on my personal choices, but most of it on my own damn self.  Everything in our world tells us we're not good enough.  We're not skinny enough, strong enough, rich enough... Our car, home, clothes, food aren't good enough.  Whatever I did or didn't do, somebody out there did or didn't do it first, last or they did it for better reasons than those that I have.  Ugh!  Its so, so ingrained in our society, and our psyche...  Ok, my psyche.  Probably mostly my psyche. 

I have an image in my head of what I think I look like.  And what it is my days look like.  And what I believe I will accomplish before I lay my head on my pillow and fall into a restless sleep full of the I wish I'd dones and I should've dones for the day....  Then I pass by a mirror, or a window or any number of things that show me exactly what I look like at any given time.  And my image inside by head says, "Whoa, wait a minute!  You got 8 hours of sleep and you drank several cups of coffee, why do you look so tired? And you're how old again?? When did we stop being in our twenties??  And when exactly did I start to look just like my mother??!" 

Maybe this is just me...  Maybe my feelings of inadequacy really do come from some deep seeded belief that I will just never be good enough.  A good enough daughter, a good enough wife, mother, friend, employee, teacher, whatever...  Or maybe its a reflection of the online, socially connected life I lead.  Yes I have a facebook account.  Yes I'm on Pinterest.  And yes, I secretly stalk your accounts and wonder if your life really is that amazing.  Because mine is not.

Don't get me wrong, I love this life we're living.  Two amazing healthy kids, an incredibly supportive wife, a (mostly) happy and warm home...  But I have bad days.  Lots of them.  Lots of days where I wonder if we made the right choice to homeschool our kids and to have me stay home.  Lots of days where I'd rather ship both kids off for the day to be somebody elses problem. 

And what would I do with all that free time? More than likely,  I'd still follow the crafty homeschool moms on Pinterest who seem to have nearly angelic kids (by the dozens), professionally decorated homes, academically and artistically styled homeschool rooms, perfectly balanced, paleo/raw food/organic/free trade/co-op bought meal plans all prepared lovingly throughout the day with healthy snacks at the ready just in case her kids get a hunger pang before the perfectly timed, 6pm dinner is presented as her husband walks through the ornately and seasonally decorated front door...  AHHHHHHHHHH!

I don't know about you, but I've never met anyone in real life that can live that way.  I've got plenty of homeschooling mama friends and not one of them seems to be this person...  We all have our school work splayed across the kitchen table.  We all have laundry to be folded and bathrooms to be cleaned.  There are toys all over the living room floor and another kid or dog or something that is demanding our attention while the phone rings, or the dryer buzzes or (god forbid) we need to pee!!  We're all frustrated by the time our spouses get home, and yes, they get the short end of the stick when we throw up our hands and say "they're your kids, deal with it!"  And dear lord help the person who comes in and wonders out loud what we've done during the day... 

I had big plans when I started homeschooling.  Hell, I had big plans when I became a mother.  And then real life hit.  And my kids started growing up.  And I realized that somewhere in the midst of organizing these plans and schedules and chore charts and schoolwork, I was missing the whole point of this life thing...  I was missing the smiles and the laughs and the simple joys that come with staying home with my kids.  I was so worried about all the things that I "should" be doing as a stay at home, homeschooling, hippie/conservative/advocate mama that I wasn't doing anything.  My kids are happy.  They're smart.  They're social.  They're healthy.  They have friends and playdates.  Hell, I have friends and playdates.  And I have bad days.  And my kids have bad days.  And we have good days.  Some really, really good days.  And those are the days that I try to remember. 

So my goal for this season, and my hope with this post, is that we can all stop "shoulding" on ourselves.  Our life is our life and we have been chosen to live it as best we can.  We were given our children to love unconditionally for who they are and what they can teach us.  And yes, they can absolutely teach us. We can't set our standards to those of someone elses.  And we can't compare our real life, everyday moments to everyone elses highlights.  This is  my life.  We only get one go around...  I'm done trying to be the best mom, daughter, wife, homeschooler in the history of social media.  I'm finally ready to just be the best Katie I can be.