Shoulding....

I feel very inadequate, pretty much most of the time.  I blame part of it on my upbringing, part of it on my relationships, part of it on my personal choices, but most of it on my own damn self.  Everything in our world tells us we're not good enough.  We're not skinny enough, strong enough, rich enough... Our car, home, clothes, food aren't good enough.  Whatever I did or didn't do, somebody out there did or didn't do it first, last or they did it for better reasons than those that I have.  Ugh!  Its so, so ingrained in our society, and our psyche...  Ok, my psyche.  Probably mostly my psyche. 

I have an image in my head of what I think I look like.  And what it is my days look like.  And what I believe I will accomplish before I lay my head on my pillow and fall into a restless sleep full of the I wish I'd dones and I should've dones for the day....  Then I pass by a mirror, or a window or any number of things that show me exactly what I look like at any given time.  And my image inside by head says, "Whoa, wait a minute!  You got 8 hours of sleep and you drank several cups of coffee, why do you look so tired? And you're how old again?? When did we stop being in our twenties??  And when exactly did I start to look just like my mother??!" 

Maybe this is just me...  Maybe my feelings of inadequacy really do come from some deep seeded belief that I will just never be good enough.  A good enough daughter, a good enough wife, mother, friend, employee, teacher, whatever...  Or maybe its a reflection of the online, socially connected life I lead.  Yes I have a facebook account.  Yes I'm on Pinterest.  And yes, I secretly stalk your accounts and wonder if your life really is that amazing.  Because mine is not.

Don't get me wrong, I love this life we're living.  Two amazing healthy kids, an incredibly supportive wife, a (mostly) happy and warm home...  But I have bad days.  Lots of them.  Lots of days where I wonder if we made the right choice to homeschool our kids and to have me stay home.  Lots of days where I'd rather ship both kids off for the day to be somebody elses problem. 

And what would I do with all that free time? More than likely,  I'd still follow the crafty homeschool moms on Pinterest who seem to have nearly angelic kids (by the dozens), professionally decorated homes, academically and artistically styled homeschool rooms, perfectly balanced, paleo/raw food/organic/free trade/co-op bought meal plans all prepared lovingly throughout the day with healthy snacks at the ready just in case her kids get a hunger pang before the perfectly timed, 6pm dinner is presented as her husband walks through the ornately and seasonally decorated front door...  AHHHHHHHHHH!

I don't know about you, but I've never met anyone in real life that can live that way.  I've got plenty of homeschooling mama friends and not one of them seems to be this person...  We all have our school work splayed across the kitchen table.  We all have laundry to be folded and bathrooms to be cleaned.  There are toys all over the living room floor and another kid or dog or something that is demanding our attention while the phone rings, or the dryer buzzes or (god forbid) we need to pee!!  We're all frustrated by the time our spouses get home, and yes, they get the short end of the stick when we throw up our hands and say "they're your kids, deal with it!"  And dear lord help the person who comes in and wonders out loud what we've done during the day... 

I had big plans when I started homeschooling.  Hell, I had big plans when I became a mother.  And then real life hit.  And my kids started growing up.  And I realized that somewhere in the midst of organizing these plans and schedules and chore charts and schoolwork, I was missing the whole point of this life thing...  I was missing the smiles and the laughs and the simple joys that come with staying home with my kids.  I was so worried about all the things that I "should" be doing as a stay at home, homeschooling, hippie/conservative/advocate mama that I wasn't doing anything.  My kids are happy.  They're smart.  They're social.  They're healthy.  They have friends and playdates.  Hell, I have friends and playdates.  And I have bad days.  And my kids have bad days.  And we have good days.  Some really, really good days.  And those are the days that I try to remember. 

So my goal for this season, and my hope with this post, is that we can all stop "shoulding" on ourselves.  Our life is our life and we have been chosen to live it as best we can.  We were given our children to love unconditionally for who they are and what they can teach us.  And yes, they can absolutely teach us. We can't set our standards to those of someone elses.  And we can't compare our real life, everyday moments to everyone elses highlights.  This is  my life.  We only get one go around...  I'm done trying to be the best mom, daughter, wife, homeschooler in the history of social media.  I'm finally ready to just be the best Katie I can be.